Lawyer Goes to Heaven

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Lawyers."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa".

"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he
agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"

Cat on the Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away." The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."

The CIA's Assasin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into th

Interview by NASA

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip. Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go. "One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University." The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question. "Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research." The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question. "Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer. "Why so much?" the interviewer inquired. The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."

Top Jokes Blog

Search This Blog