Top Jokes Blog

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip. Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go. "One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University." The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question. "Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research." The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question. "Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer. "Why so much?" the interviewer inquired. The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Franklin. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know the defense lawyer?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Shalon since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drink...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Part 2 of the Courtroom Quotations series: Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?" Witness: "Four times." Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?" Lawyer: "She had three children, right?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "How many were boys?" Witness: "None." Lawyer: "Were there girls?" Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?" Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?" Witness: "Not yet." Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the ...

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know." Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year." Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall ...

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks...

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but t...

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant didn't answer. The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was. The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" The attorney signed to the account...

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a ...

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense........... Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy s...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up That morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How man...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving h...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.