Top Jokes Blog

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " and left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This ...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into th...

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put...

SHE : I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours! HE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!! SHE : May I have the pleasure of this dance? HE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!! SHE: How did you get to be so beautiful? HE: I must have been given your share!!! SHE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? HE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!! SHE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out! HE: Okay, get out!!! SHE: I think I could make you very happy HE: Why? Are you leaving? SHE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me? HE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!! SHE: Can I have your name? HE: Why, don't you already have one? SHE: Shall we go and see a film? HE: I've already seen it!!! SHE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together? HE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!! SHE: Where have you been all my life? HE: Hiding from you. SHE: Haven't I seen you some place before? HE: ...

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are "the rules" from the male side. These are "our rules" Please note they are all numbered "1" on PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You are a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday and Sunday = SPORTS. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. LET IT BE. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. So we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one – subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it. 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is ...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman "I don't w...

Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems." The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine. I married a widow having a young daughter. My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he's my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is >my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems !! ".