Top Jokes Blog

OK, now this is hilarious! Husband: Hi Dear, I am logged in. Wife: Would you like to have some snacks? Husband: Hard disk full. Wife: Have you brought the stuff which i asked for? Husband: Bad command or file name. Wife: But I told you about it in the morning! Husband: Syntax error, abort, retry, cancel. Wife: Oh my God! Forget it, where's your salary? Husband: File in use, read only. try after some time. Wife: At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping. Husband: Sharing violation, access denied. Wife: I made a mistake in marrying you! Husband: Data type mismatch. Wife: You are useless! Husband: By default. Wife: Who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband: System unstable. Press ctrl, alt, del to reboot. Wife: What is my value in your life? Husband: Unknown virus detected. Wife: Do you love me or your computer?! Husband: Too many parameters. Wife: I will go to my dad's house! Husband: Program performed illegal operation, it wil...

Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity. He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't start his swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snow ball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got up early, made her a big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to the local theme park. He put her on every ride in the park. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They went to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then he took her to a movie, bought her a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " and left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This ...

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put...

For all the football fans out here... A man had two great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the best game of World Cup, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else... a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at her funeral."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You Ba****d! You waltz in here, flop your fat a** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!”

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $100. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$15000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $25000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $20000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It r...