Top Jokes Blog

Interview by NASA

2007-04-21T15:40:00.000+05:30

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip. Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question.

"Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research."

The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question.

"Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer.

"Why so much?" the interviewer inquired.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."

Sales Lead Management

2007-04-21T15:37:00.000+05:30

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True Definition of Globalization

2007-04-20T20:22:00.000+05:30

Question: What is the true definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal.....

That, my friend, is Globalization!

Online Coupons

2007-04-20T20:18:00.000+05:30

Coupon Chief(my favorite online store to shop at with coupon codes) has some of the best online coupons one can ever get. They offer coupons for websites as good as Sony Music Store. Coupon Chief strives to provide a one stop coupon deal and discount resource for their users. Their focus on customer support and providing up to date coupon codes, promotional deals and discounts is unparalleled in the online shopping e-commerce industry. They constantly add new merchants, coupon codes, promotion codes, and offers to their database and this is what is different in them from the rest of the industry.

This is a Sponsored Presentation.

Dedication to One's Work

2007-04-19T10:34:00.000+05:30

This is what u call dedication to one's work...

World's Funniest 2 Photographs

2007-04-19T10:07:00.000+05:30

The first photo was taken when the Chinese president went to US.

The second photo was taken when Bush went to China.

Drug Addiction Treatment

2007-04-19T10:03:00.000+05:30

Drug rehab is a very long process for every Drug Addicted person. It is almost a no-win situation if not taken care of properly. But the people at Stone Hawk are just the right people who can deal with people looking for alcoholism treatment. They have many addiction treatment programs available to help make recovery attainable and sustainable. The long climb from the bottom can be a hard try, but Stone Hawk programs can help a person a lot and make the people realize the benefits of living a healthy drug-free life. They have even gathered articles on addiction recovery to help you friend and family understand the recovery process.

This is a Sponsored Post.

Where Am I?

2007-04-19T09:41:00.000+05:30

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a Technically correct but completely useless answer."

Hi-Tech Conversation

2007-04-19T09:34:00.000+05:30

OK, now this is hilarious!

Husband: Hi Dear, I am logged in.

Wife: Would you like to have some snacks?
Husband: Hard disk full.

Wife: Have you brought the stuff which i asked for?
Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I told you about it in the morning!
Husband: Syntax error, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife: Oh my God! Forget it, where's your salary?
Husband: File in use, read only. try after some time.

Wife: At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing violation, access denied.

Wife: I made a mistake in marrying you!
Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless!
Husband: By default.

Wife: Who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband: System unstable. Press ctrl, alt, del to reboot.

Wife: What is my value in your life?
Husband: Unknown virus detected.

Wife: Do you love me or your computer?!
Husband: Too many parameters.

Wife: I will go to my dad's house!
Husband: Program performed illegal operation, it will close.

Wife: I will leave you forever!
Husband: Close all programs and log out for another user.

Wife: It's worthless talking to you!
Husband: Shut down the computer.

Wife: I am going!!!
Husband: It is now safe to turn off your computer.

Call for Annie Wan

2007-04-15T16:11:00.000+05:30

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree…
Caller: Oh… God!!

Why Lawyers should never ask a question

2007-04-15T16:02:00.000+05:30

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Franklin. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know the defense lawyer?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Shalon since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense lawyer almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both Lawyers to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you foolish asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt of court."

Vote For Us!

2007-04-15T13:09:00.000+05:30

Vote For Us Today!

We have been nominated in the Blogger's Choice Awards! This can be a great "you vote for us, we'll vote for you" kinda thing. You will need to set up a user account and at that point you can either submit your own blog for votes or do the next best thing...vote for Top Jokes Blog. Thank you to all who are voting. If you also have a blog nominated please let us know that you voted for us and leave your blog address in the comment section and we will also vote for you.

A Perfect Golf Shot

2007-04-13T18:11:00.001+05:30

Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity. He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't start his swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snow ball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

A Helpful Friend

2007-04-13T17:17:00.000+05:30

Lewis had a crush on a beautiful girl. Unknown to Lewis, his friend Johnny also liked the girl and was upset that Lewis was able to talk to her and get to know her so easily. Lewis finally decided he would make a bold move. He told the girl that for her 21st birthday he would send her a red rose for each year. He thought that it would really impress the girl and win her heart to him.

After Lewis ordered the flowers, Johnny stopped by the flower shop and told the florist he wanted to increase the order by another dozen flowers for his friend.

Lewis never did find out what made the beautiful girl so angry that she would not speak to him.

Patient Enquiry

2007-04-12T16:06:00.000+05:30

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator replied, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

Hospital Gown

2007-04-12T16:00:00.000+05:30

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Jonah in Heaven or Hell

2007-04-12T15:23:00.000+05:30

A young girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher told her that it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human because whales have a very small throat for such a huge mammal. The young girl reminded her teacher that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a man.

The young girl then said, "Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

With that the teacher stated, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

"Well," the little girl replied, "then you can ask him."

Religious Horse

2007-04-12T15:22:00.000+05:30

A missionary in the desert finds a lost man and takes him to his house where he nurses him back to health. When the man is feeling better, he asks the missionary if he could borrow his horse to ride into town.

The missionary replies, "Yes, but this is a special horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go, and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man acknowledges his understanding.

The man mounts the horse and says, "Thank God." The horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God," and the horse starts running full speed. Soon the man sees a cliff coming up and he tries to stop the horse. He hollers everything he can think of, such as "Whoa, stop," etc. Nothing works.

Finally he remembers what the missionary said and hollers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle, wipes his brow, and says, "Thank God."

To Be 6 Again

2007-04-11T10:52:00.000+05:30

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again, " she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got up early, made her a big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to the local theme park. He put her on every ride in the park.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

They went to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then he took her to a movie, bought her a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

Mommy Test

2007-04-11T10:51:00.000+05:30

My four-year-old daughter and I were taking a walk when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to and she asked me "Why?"

"Because, Honey, it's been laying outside on the ground and is dirty and has germs on it."

She looked at me in amazement and asked, "Wow, how do you know all that stuff?"

Thinking quickly, I said, "Because it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know this stuff or you can't be a mommy."

She pondered that information for a minute or two, and said, "Oh, I get it! If you flunk you have to be the daddy!"

The Tale of Two Bats

2007-04-11T10:31:00.001+05:30

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere myself." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

The Rabbit and the Butcher

2007-04-11T10:30:00.000+05:30

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?"

The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says, "have you got any cabbages?"

The butcher, getting annoyed, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!"

The rabbit hops off. But the next day it hops into the butchers again and again asks "have you got any cabbages?"

The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any damn cabbages! If you come in here again asking for cabbages I'm will nail your ears to the floor!"

The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.

The next day it hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?"

The butcher replies angrily, "NO"
"Okay," says the rabbit with a grin, "what about cabbages?"

God Loves Blondes

2007-04-10T17:02:00.001+05:30

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

A Lawyer named Strange

2007-04-10T17:00:00.000+05:30

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Blog Comment Chain World Record Attempt

2007-04-10T16:30:00.000+05:30

Well this may sound a bit weird but you should checkout what the people at PayPerPost Blog came up with. They are trying to get people to post comments on a blog post to create a place in the Guinness World Records for the longest blog comment chain ever! They are aiming for a minimum of 2,000 "unique human generated comments of 25 words or more each generated within 1 week of the original post."

Of course there are some rules set for the comments record to be valid. The author cannot contribute more than 10 percent of total posts. Each participant has to write a comment having a minimum of 25 words and also, the commenter has to comment within 1 week of the original post.

Well I would be very much interested to see how far this goes because this is being done for the first time in the internet's history. Have you ever heard of this type of a record being set in the Guinness World Records? At least that's not the case with me. If you have heard about anything like this please comment here so that I can know about it. Also please mention if it was official or not.

Courtroom Quotations - Part 2

2007-04-10T16:27:00.000+05:30

Part 2 of the Courtroom Quotations series:

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Courtroom Quotations

2007-04-10T16:21:00.000+05:30

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reebok."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

The Frozen Chicken

2007-04-10T15:55:00.000+05:30

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story. It seems the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.

The device is a gun that launches dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."

We are looking for Blog Designers

2007-04-10T15:19:00.000+05:30

We are currently looking for good Blog Designers who are interested in designing a new template for this blog. We are not anymore interested in the free ones as they are used by almost everybody out there. We basically want a designer who can design a new and exclusive theme/template for this blog and we're willing to pay about $50 for the new theme/template.

Please contact me at archit36 [at] Gmail [dot] com for discussing the rates and other details for the project.

We are back!

2007-04-10T14:58:00.000+05:30

Hello Top Jokes Blog Readers!

We are finally back after a very long break. Sorry for the re-opening delay which was actually scheduled for the 8^th of April because we were having a few difficulties with the new template which we were going to disclose with this re-opening.

Anyways, now we are going to be BIGGER 'n' BETTER and will be posting jokes almost everyday.

There are a lot of things that we have updated:

Changed the "Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)" and the Feed Auto discovery to FeedBurner.
Added a Labels Cloud to the Sidebar.
Modified the Donate Buttons
On the Performance Side, you will notice that the loading speed has increased because we have changed a few template codings.

There have been many more updates backstage which is a bit too messy to explain here.

We have also removed all the ads from this page and will only do properly Disclosed Sponsored Posts for raising funds for Charity and also for the running of this Humor Blog.

We will be back...

2006-11-05T10:34:00.000+05:30

Hello Top Jokes Readers,

Our main contributors are going to be inactive for a few months as they have started some serious studies for their Board Exams. With this reason, this blog will be inactive for the time being and we apologize for this.

See you all back soon...

Great Writer

2006-11-01T18:14:00.000+05:30

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Is Windows a Virus?

2006-11-01T18:13:00.000+05:30

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

Did you hear about the blonde that...

2006-11-01T18:11:00.000+05:30

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

The God is Missing!

2006-10-31T16:38:00.000+05:30

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

The Pope vs The Queen

2006-10-31T16:37:00.000+05:30

One day the Pope and the Queen of England were sitting in a balcony discussing their power over their people. The Queen tells the Pope, "With one simple wave of my hand I can make my followers go crazy." "Prove it," says the Pope. The Queen then stood up, raises her hands in the air, and her beloved followers yelled, whistled, and clapped until she had lowered her hand. The Queen then sat back down and looked at the Pope to see what he had to say.

The Pope sat for a moment deeply contemplating on how he could top her stunt. He then said to the Queen, with great confidence, "With a movement of MY hand I can not only make this crowd go wild, but give them a story so great they will tell their children, their children's children, and so on." "I highly doubt that," remarked the Queen. So the Pope stood up, moved over towards the Queen and slapped her.

The Devil's Deal

2006-10-28T20:35:00.000+05:30

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Cat on the Roof

2006-10-28T11:00:00.000+05:30

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

God Loves Blondes

2006-10-24T19:12:00.000+05:30

Even Pigs Have Standards

2006-10-22T18:29:00.000+05:30

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood...

The pig and the cow.

A Blonde Game Of Intelligence

2006-10-22T18:27:00.000+05:30

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Coca Cola Classic

2006-10-21T13:55:00.000+05:30

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, firstly I did not know how to speak Arabic, secondly I didn't realize that the Arabs read from right to left..."

Baby Camel's Questions

2006-10-19T22:12:00.000+05:30

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.

But Mom", "Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

How the Government Works

2006-10-19T22:09:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert,

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Child Custody

2006-10-19T21:49:00.000+05:30

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Make Easy Money from PayPerPost

2006-10-16T10:40:00.000+05:30

Hi Top Jokes Readers!

You might have noticed a few posts with the subheader saying "This is a PayPerPost advertisement" and then a short paragraph of 50-70 words buzzing about a website or a product. Trust me people, I have started to make money from this program in good amounts. They pay an average of $5 per post advertisement if it gets approved. No hassles involved, just a simple creative post. It doesn't matter how many impression or clicks you receive, you get paid the same no matter what. Basically, PayPerPost for bloggers is a unique online advertising service that connects advertisers with bloggers to generate buzz, traffic and assist in link building. So signup today by clicking the "PayPerPost Affiliate" Button below and make money through your blogs!

John's Encounter with a Lion in Africa

2006-10-16T09:37:00.000+05:30

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend, Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me again, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, so I made toward it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have wet in my pants."

"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON?"

Engineer on a Vacation

2006-10-16T09:25:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time, a male engineer decided to vacation on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful...the experience of his life! He was waited upon hand an foot. But, alas, it did not last. A Hurricane came up suddenly.......and the ship went down.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.....or at least within the past 4 months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention). She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but.....," stuttered the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said, "where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No thanks," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied. "I have a still; how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there's a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

The man settled in to wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me something," she said, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, moving closer to the woman while fixing her with a long, intense gaze. "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection, too?"

Godfather's Money

2006-10-15T14:40:00.000+05:30

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant didn't answer.

The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signed to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signed back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather asked, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Lawyer Goes to Heaven

2006-10-15T14:38:00.000+05:30

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Lawyers."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa".

"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he
agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"

The Yellow Color Printing Problem

2006-10-11T18:54:00.000+05:30

I had been doing Tech Support for a printer company for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

King of the Jungle

2006-10-11T18:40:00.000+05:30

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

The Engineer and the Management Man

2006-10-01T13:11:00.000+05:30

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Misfortune in the Last Wish

2006-10-01T13:06:00.000+05:30

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ....

The Parrot and the Repairman

2006-10-01T12:58:00.000+05:30

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Cheater at a Job Interview

2006-10-01T12:50:00.000+05:30

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why
you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

A Blonde's Last Wish

2006-10-01T12:44:00.000+05:30

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Creation

2006-09-27T16:40:00.000+05:30

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Words

2006-09-27T16:39:00.000+05:30

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Understanding Women - A Man's Perspective

2006-09-27T16:38:00.000+05:30

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!

The Silent Treatment

2006-09-27T16:31:00.000+05:30

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " and left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Last Chapter of Harry Potter: The Lost and Last Horcrux

2006-09-25T17:38:00.000+05:30

Harry felt Ron and Hermione drop motionless and stupefied in his back.

"Ron, Hermione are you..." Harry sat beside them with his wand clutched tightly in his hand, litting brightly on the tip.

"Welcome, Harry!" a voice echoed in the dark of the Godrics Hollow. Harry turned to his back and tried to find the source of the voice.

"Lumous", again echoed the voice. A wand, in the middle of the hall litted on the tip. A white scull and icy expressional face was now clearly visible.

"Remember this place, Harry!” said Voldemort, "Your Father was dead on the place where you are now standing. I killed him and walked over him to get you."

"You will die... I will kill you." Harry yelled.

"You can never kill me Harry!" laughed Voldemort. "You will never know the secret. I am immortal."

"I destroyed five of your Horcruxes." Sneered Harry.

"...and you come here in search of the sixth" snapped Voldemort. "On what cost Harry...? Your Mother, Father, Sirius, Dumbledore and ... Ginny"

"No..." Harry roared, "You can't harm her."

"I certainly did," shouted Voldemort. "The stupid girl came to search you in the graveyard and Nagini had her last dinner before you killed her."

"I will kill you" Harry's scar was shining with a silver shine as a thread of memory from Dumbledore's Pensive. "Avada Kavedra" Harry yelled with the most inner hate.

Voldemort disappeared and Harry missed. The light was now coming from the bedroom of the old Potter house.

"Here... Here your mother was lying... she was beautiful Harry, you have got the same eyes" Voldemort said with a laugh in his voice. Harry rushed in the bedroom. Voldemort was standing in the far most corner of the room and looking like an infer with speaking abilities.

"Don't" said Harry with a chill in his voice, "don’t ever talk about my parents. You are a killer and will get the punishment"

Voldemort roared with laugh. "... and you are going to punish me! Harry, I cannot be destroyed without any of my Horcrux alive."

"Stop playing Voldemort! Get on to business." said Harry chewing every word with anger.

Voldemort smiled "So...! you are the Chosen One..." said Voldemort with a evil grin, "don't you Harry? You are supposed to kill me...! Don't you?"

"Avada..."Harry yelled but blocked.

"You can never kill me Harry!" Voldemort was laughing with a roar, "The chosen one can never destroy the Dark Lord."

"I did it once... you were gone for fourteen years. I will finish you completely this time." Shouted Harry.

"YOU DID IT?" Yelled Voldemort, the laugh was now gone and evil was looking out of his swollen eyes, "YOU DID IT? NO POTTER, I DID IT! I MARKED YOU EQUAL."

"You never heard the prophecy!" said Harry with anger of hell in his voice.

"The prophecy? Harry, I changed the prophecy." spitted Voldemort, "I changed the prophecy"

"Professor Dumbledore let me hear the prophecy! You cannot change it from his pensive." cried Harry.

"Dumbledore never knew about the change Potter. Time turners are not only for miss Mud blood!"

"Don't abuse Hermione" again shouted Harry

"...either survive while the other die" said Voldemort calmly "isn't it, Potter!"

"If you know the prophecy why don't you kill me now, so you can..."

"...Harry! this is not the real prophecy. The second half says .....both survive while either die."

"...That means..."

"OH YES HARRY!" Harry was cut in between by Shouting Voldemort. "YOU ARE MY SIXTH HURCRUX."

"NO", Cried Harry with anger and pain.

"WE ARE NOT CONNECTED HARRY, WE ARE ONE. I MADE YOU MY HURCRUX WHILE KILLING YOUR PARENTS. THE MARK IS THE PROOF."

"YOU USED THE AVADA CURSE ON ME!" yelled Harry.

"NO POTTER! NEVER. YOU ARE MY SAFEST HURCRUX. PROTECTED BY ALL THE SO CALLED GREAT WIZARDS AND THE MINISTRY ITSELF."

"But you always tried to kill me!" said Harry, "You never let me live my life."

"That is my life you silly boy. I tried to kill you because you were trying to stop me from my return." Voldemort said in anger "You never handed me the Philosopher's Stone. You tried to defend me in the Chamber of Secrets. But finally I got the three blood drops from you to make sure.... I will return."

Harry felt a sudden pain of grief in his heart. His heart pounding heavily like a blacksmiths air pump. "You cannot kill me either, Voldemort. I am your most powerful Horcrux. I made you vanished for that. and will live with you if you kill me"

"No! No Harry!" said the dark lord with a chilling gesture of his neck. "you are my Seventh Horcrux. That was my fault. No one can reach to the most powerful number of seven in the count of horcruxes. Now, only two horcruxes left... you and me. Soon you will turn out to be another me as you were in the level nine in department of mysteries two years back."

"If I may turn out to be you... you are going to pay for that. For my Mother and father, Sirius and for Professor Dumbledore and for my love, Ginny" With a unwelcoming gesture of his wand, Harry putted it on his forehead and yelled, "Avada Kavedra."

"NO" Yelled Voldemort with a cry and pain, "You can't do this"

"No Harry!" Shouted Ron, since the curse was tear off Ron and Hermione were standing just outside the door of the room, "NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS HARRY!"

Hermione gaped with terror

Harry's scar busted open and two rays of light in colors of silver and gold came out... Voldemort was looking with anger and hate towards the fast growing ropes. Before he could make any move, the ropes tightened him and vanished inside him from his nose, ears and mouth. Harry's body fell down on floor. Ron rushed towards him.

"NO Harry, You cannot be gone" Cried Hermione.

"Ron get your wand out" said Voldemort.

"Harry", Ron turned towards Voldemort, "Kill me Ron Hurry!” Voldemort jumped towards his wand tried to battle with himself like possessed with an inner power.

Ron gaped and stood. He was not feared. He was not lost. Hermione said "Ron kill him. This is Voldemort"

"No this is Harry!" shouted Ron.

"No just kill him. Don't make Harry's life a waste."

"No you silly mud blood" Shouted Voldemort, "If you kill me Harry will also die."

"...AAAH" With another sound of pain Voldemort said, "Just kill me Ron, Hermione please. This is the only way. There is no Horcruxes left now. Kill him. NOW"

With tears in his eyes Ron shouted, "I can't kill you Harry!"

"He killed everyone I ever loved. My parents, Sirius and Dumbledore and now see he killed Ginny also."

"NO" Shouted Hermione.

"Just kill me. I don't want you two to die." Pleaded Voldemort...

Hermione and Ron got their wands out and cursed together, "Avada Kevadra.!"

With a blast in the middle of the house, the roof blowed away. The walls started to fall. The body of Voldemort torn apart and light and blood started to came out with screams of Harry and Voldemort. Near the body of Harry, Hermione was in Ron's arms fainted and Ron was looking in a state of shock on what had happened.

Soon after the vanishing of the light from Dark Lord's body Ron also fainted where Harry's body was laying... The boy who lived was motionless but one thing was missing. His forehead was not having the mark. It was gone. The Scar.

Now if you want to take this text as a Joke, I've got no problems.

;-)

Buy a Dog

2006-09-25T17:35:00.000+05:30

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...

Then................

Buy a cat!

(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

Top Jokes Blog Updates

2006-09-23T17:12:00.000+05:30

Hello Top Jokes Readers!

We have added and modified a few things in this blog. For a full detail of the updates click the "Read More..." Link:

The Peek-A-Boo Posts: From now on you will see summarized versions of the Jokes published here and if those first few teasers you think are good then you can click the "Read More" Button to read the full thing(Don't worry, the full thing will not open in a new page or refresh the existing page, It will just expand the teaser post).

FeedBurner Blog Updated Subscription Box: We have added another box under the Subscribe box where you can subscribe for the TopJokes Blog posts by entering your email powered by FeedBurner.

We have also made a few changes to our blog's template which you might have not noticed but this has been done to simplify and improve our viewer's experience.

That's All Folks,
Top Jokes Blog

New Peek-A-Boo Posts!

2006-09-22T21:24:00.000+05:30

Yo! Top Jokes readers,

We have introduced the new Peek-A-Boo Posts in Non-Beta Blogs! Click the "Read More..." link below to see:

Well isn't it cool? So from now on the posts here will be in this type for all you reader's ease.

Clever Woman - Too Cool!

2006-09-21T12:15:00.000+05:30

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!!!

Don't mess with them!!

Bestest Blog of the Day!

2006-09-16T17:36:00.000+05:30

This is really exciting and great for we at Top Jokes to receive the Bestest Blog of the Day.

We thank all the readers for the appreciation and support given to us and helping us rise from a small and mediocre Jokes Blog to an Award Winning Blog.

Once again,
Thanks to BestestBlog.com and our Readers,
Top Jokes Blog

P.S. Browes some of our high rated Jokes: Father-in-law's Letter, Heights, and The CIA's Assassin, How to build a webpage in 25 steps, What the teacher says (and what the teacher means!).

Father-in-law's Letter

2006-09-15T16:31:00.000+05:30

A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeshore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in and saves her.

The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield.

"Thank you!
Your mother-in-law who loves you!

A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield.

Thank you!
Your mother-in-law who loves you!

A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks:

"Finaly! It's about time that this old witch dies!

The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message…

THANK YOU!
Your father-in-law.

New Feed Subscription!

2006-09-14T16:23:00.000+05:30

Hello! Top Jokes Readers,

It is my pleasure to announce you all that now we are offering our frequent readers Feed Subscriptions!

The permanent link to this place can be found under the Subscribe box in the Sidebar on your right.

You all can now subscribe through more than 30 Feed Reading Subscribers by clicking here!

The Feed Reading Subscribers include Google, My Yahoo!, Bloglines, Newsgator, My Msn, Technorati, Windows Live and many more!

Check it out today! - Click Here

Jogging George Bush

2006-09-14T13:36:00.000+05:30

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

Sale - A Talking Dog!

2006-09-14T13:33:00.000+05:30

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Snake Type

2006-09-13T16:31:00.000+05:30

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

Lessons in Logic - Brilliant Quotes

2006-09-02T19:26:00.000+05:30

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

"Your future depend s on your dreams"
So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)!

2006-09-02T19:24:00.000+05:30

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
( He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes ).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact With fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment, she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress Would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her earning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking ).

Job Application

2006-09-02T19:19:00.000+05:30

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It s**ked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Heights!

2006-08-20T14:45:00.000+05:30

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:
Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:
Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:
The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:
A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:
A person sending email to himself.

HEIGHT OF REPETITION:
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by some one in the receiving chain.

Legal Dispute

2006-08-16T18:18:00.000+05:30

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

How To Build A web Page In 25 Steps!

2006-08-16T18:16:00.000+05:30

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.

The CIA's Assasin

2006-08-16T18:11:00.000+05:30

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.

The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Unusual Order

2006-08-16T18:05:00.000+05:30

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Money Talks!

2006-08-16T17:59:00.000+05:30

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

The Nine Words

2006-08-10T22:10:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language…No further questions!!)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". but at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.

Because of this, he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded nd romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,

"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: ...

"Pardon?"

Top 10 dumbest George Bush quotes!

2006-08-10T17:39:00.000+05:30

"I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?" --in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005 (caught by TV cameras).

1) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

2) See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

3) "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."

4) "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."—On the prospect of visiting Denmark.

5) "But Iraq has—have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."

6) "We're spending money on clean coal technology. Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?"

7) "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."

8) "I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs."

9) "We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make—it would hope—put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see."

10) "Those 2 towers were useless....I mean really? Where would we use them now? Wait, they are broken, so we can't use them......I wonder how long it would take. Anyways, people of America, I promise you, no more terrorist attacks after the next 5 or 6. You WILL be in safety. As long as you move to another country. (secritery whispers to Bush). *Pauses*, I meant to say America is safe, rest a sured it's going to be fine!"

How Guys Turn Down Girls

2006-08-07T17:50:00.000+05:30

SHE : I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
HE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

SHE : May I have the pleasure of this dance?
HE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

SHE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HE: I must have been given your share!!!

SHE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
HE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

SHE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
HE: Okay, get out!!!

SHE: I think I could make you very happy
HE: Why? Are you leaving?

SHE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
HE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

SHE: Can I have your name?
HE: Why, don't you already have one?

SHE: Shall we go and see a film?
HE: I've already seen it!!!

SHE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
HE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

SHE: Where have you been all my life?
HE: Hiding from you.

SHE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
HE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

SHE: Is this seat empty?
HE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

SHE: So, what do you do for a living?
HE: I'm a female impersonator.

SHE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
HE: Do not enter.

How To Deal with Telemarketers

2006-08-05T16:07:00.000+05:30

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Mental Patient Declared of Sound Mind

2006-08-05T16:05:00.000+05:30

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

He went to tell Edna the news. He said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Little Bob

2006-08-05T16:04:00.000+05:30

So, there once was a millionaire from the middle-east, who was very, very stubborn. He was walking through town with his son, little Bob. They passed a store, and little Bob says:"Daddy, daddy! can I buy one of those hats?" -"No" said the man, "we dont have any money to spend son". So, with a bit of dissapointment, he understood, and they kept on walking.

Then, they passed a toy store, and the same thing happened. But little Bob knew that his father loved flying. So when he saw a sign that read:"Airplane Rides", he asked his father. The man hessitated at first, but then he agreed on one condition: If it wasnt too expensive. So they got on the plane, and when they were already airborne, he asked the pilot:"How much is the ride?" -"One thousand dollars" said the pilot. "WHAT?!?!?"-said the man. Alarmed by the man's reaction, the pilot made a deal with the man:"If you or your son stay quiet, not making a sound, the whole ride is free. But if you or your son make a single sound, it wil cost TWICE AS MUCH". The man agreed. So the pilot started making these dangerous loop-de-loops and lots of other horrible and unsafe stunts; when the plane was runnung out of gas, they landed. "Congratulations sir" said the pilot."I did not hear a single sound; the ride is free".

-"WHEW!!"- said the man "I almost shouted when little Bob fell off the plane!

Why are friends necessary in our Life?

2006-08-02T15:45:00.000+05:30

Moral of the picture:

Friends may not be able to pull you up...

BUT

they will still think of ways not to let you fall...

If we are infringing any copyright issues by posing this image here please post your comments here with an ownership proof and we will remove it.

Will you please clear these doubts of mine?

2006-07-31T16:33:00.000+05:30

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

3. What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)

8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

11. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)

12. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oils made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

14. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

15. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

16. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

17. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

18. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

19. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

20. Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? (very nice)

21. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

22. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

23. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell do they have parking in Bars?

New Viruses on the loose!

2006-07-30T13:31:00.000+05:30

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Great Writer

2006-07-30T13:30:00.000+05:30

Stages of Drunkeness

2006-07-30T13:25:00.000+05:30

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

A Really Bad Day

2006-07-30T13:19:00.000+05:30

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Lawyer Joke

2006-07-28T20:21:00.000+05:30

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied,
"I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

All time best Quotes

2006-07-27T16:01:00.000+05:30

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

-Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

-Jean Cocturan

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

- Jerry Seinfeld

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

- Darrin Weinberg

"Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome."

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia.

U learn in life when u lose

"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them."

- Albert Einstein

If You Know Your Weakness, Thats Your Biggest Strength!

Disorder in the Court!

2006-07-25T19:32:00.000+05:30

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up That morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up! Also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

Our Official Jokes Group!

2006-07-25T18:14:00.000+05:30

Hello all our fellow readers!

We have Officially launched a Jokes Group to start a mailing list for our frequent readers.

You all can visit our group at http://groups.google.com/group/topjokes and join the mailing list for the latest updates on the Top Funny Jokes!

We have also added a Subscibe box in the Sidebar of this blog (thats just below Archives on the right side of your screen) for you to directly subscribe to our mailing list!

Happy Joke Reading!

The Best of Mr.Bean!

2006-07-20T18:21:00.000+05:30

1) BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

5) Marriage:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

50 Things Everyone Should Know!

2006-07-18T18:20:00.000+05:30

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.

Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

Coca-Cola would be green if coloring weren't added to it.

On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in it’s' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!

The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.

Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

The world’s oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

Queen Elizabeth I, regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not

Slugs have 4 noses.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The average person laughs 10 times a day!

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

For those who thought they knew everything!

2006-07-17T18:20:00.000+05:30

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.